


you belong to the stars and the clouds

by al_holland



Category: Naruto
Genre: Angst, Character Death, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Hurt No Comfort, Loss, Pain
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-26
Updated: 2021-02-26
Packaged: 2021-03-17 00:22:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,131
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29708799
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/al_holland/pseuds/al_holland
Summary: What was the point of being so strong if he couldn’t protect anyone he loved? And he had loved her, gods, how he loved her. She had been so strong, in her own right, and he been so sure that this time—for sure, this time he wouldn’t outlive another loved one.
Relationships: Haruno Sakura/Hatake Kakashi
Comments: 24
Kudos: 46





	you belong to the stars and the clouds

**Author's Note:**

> this is straight up PAIN. inspired by [jorja smith's "goodbyes"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GJY5N0stFyU)

It was a curse. He had no other explanation for the way he lost everyone dear to him. He should have known better than to let himself get close to anyone else; after he’d lost his sensei, he should have known. He spent the years following that loss swearing to himself that it wouldn’t happen again. Everyone he cared about always died.

Maybe he wasn’t cursed. Maybe he _was_ the curse. He couldn’t make sense of it any other way. Everyone who stumbled into his life left it in a body bag.

He should have known. He should have tried harder, said “no” louder, pushed her away until she listened. _Gods_ , but she was so stubborn. He’d never had anyone want to love him so badly before. He was too weak to say no to the comfort she offered. She’d made a home for him in her arms, and he was too weak to turn away from that.

What was the point of being so strong if he couldn’t protect anyone he loved? And he had loved her, _gods_ , how he loved her. She had been so strong, in her own right, and he been so sure that this time— _for sure_ , this time he wouldn’t outlive another loved one.

He wondered what dastardly actions he had committed in a previous life to deserve this. She was good, and he wasn’t. She was good, and strong, and light, but she was gone. And he was still standing. Him, with his damage, and his hatred, and his cold heart. He had forgotten all those things when she was with him. He had felt whole with her beside him. He had felt that, maybe, after everything he’d done, he had finally earned something good in his life.

And she was so good. Every part of her was heavenly; from the pink halo of her hair, to the green halo of her healing hands. Eyes as green as the trees that surrounded him, and skin as soft as the summer breezes that blew in through her bedroom window. She could never be bogged down by him. She was too strong to let him weigh her down; somehow she always managed to float. She always managed to keep him afloat.

Well, he was drowning now. Undeniably, he was sinking lower and lower, and he wasn’t sure which way to swim anymore. Every direction he went in just reminded him of her. She was everywhere. He saw her when he opened his eyes in the mornings. He saw her when he slept at night. She was in his lungs, and in his veins, like an infection. How could he ever stand a chance against her?

He still remembered so clearly how she had thrown her head back in delight, her laugh ringing like bells in his mind, when he had told her she would never get what she wanted from him. It was laughable to her, that he was unlovable. She had laughed as if she’d never heard anything so ridiculous.

“How can you be unlovable?” she’d asked, shaking her head with tears of laughter dampening her cheeks. “I already love you, idiot.”

He had been accosted by that love. She had appealed to a weakness he hadn’t even known he had. He had spent so much time telling himself he was unlovable that when she came along, so willing to shower him with it, it was impossible for him to turn it down. He knew now that that had been his mistake; he wasn’t unlovable after all. Simply undeserving.

But she made him feel so _worthy_ and _safe_. He was trapped in the cruelest cosmic joke. She had him convinced, and happy, and comfortable. They had _plans_. They had a future, and a life, and he was going to love her for the rest of his life. For the rest of _his life_. She was supposed to keep going when he was gone, she was the strong one. She could handle losing him. She was too light to be weighed down by him, even in death.

He hadn’t even gone to her funeral. His team had knocked on his door for hours, demanding to see him, but he had refused. How could he say goodbye to her in front of them, in front of her parents, in front of a whole village of people who knew how he had loved her. They knew he had lost another one.

He moved out of their apartment after a week. He didn’t care that he had to pay an arm and a leg to get out of the lease, or that he had lost his shirt by leaving all their furniture behind. Everything had her on it. Her scent, her hair, her stamp of approval. He could hardly even stand to look in a mirror without thinking about how she would drink him in every time she looked up at his face.

It didn’t matter what he did, what bridges he burned, how far he went to forget her. There was no forgetting her. He would continue living, while she slowly disappeared from everyone’s memory but his. Everyone would move on, but he would carry her everywhere. That was his punishment for being foolish enough to think he could have ever had something so good.

He should have known from the beginning. Even if he couldn’t resist her, he should have cherished every little thing. He should have kissed her longer, held her tighter, laughed with her louder and more often. He should have made love to her that morning, instead of leaving with nothing more than a peck on her cheek. He should have told her how much he loved her, instead of letting her always be the one to say it.

He would never see those eyes sparkle again. Her cheeks would never flush before his eyes, she wouldn’t dance or laugh or fight. She would never shout at him again, or smile at him, or cry for him again. Her warm skin would never be under his fingertips again; instead it was cold and buried in the dirt.

She would never heal him again. Now that he needed her most, she would never come to him to ease his pain. She would never love him again. She would never be his again. She was nothing but a memory now, no matter how often he saw her, and felt her, and heard her around him. She was gone, and she would never return to him.

He would live with this for the rest of his life. He would live knowing he hadn’t saved her, that it didn’t matter how strong he was, he could never have saved her. She was damned the moment he loved her.

**Author's Note:**

> I thought I had purged all the sadness from my kksk mind but I Thought Wrong
> 
> i promise im not avoiding swapped shes comin i just look a lil detour to bang out my feelings
> 
> tumblr: bl1ndbraavosi


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